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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First of all, I would like to extend an apology to anyone who thought I may have been rude to them. I am usually not that kind of person and I hope I haven't upset too many people here.

So here is a hypothetical (but very real) situation. If you had to choose, would you choose to be with you husband over your career?

I realize its an awful choice and its kind of a complicated situation. I am applying for residencies and unfortunately my husband will be in one area for next 3 years (he has already signed a contract). There are 3 schools in that area and unfortunately they are all extremely, extremely competitive. I need to apply to more than 3 schools, but unfortunately if I apply (and match) in other places, I will be forced to go there. If I don't apply to other places, and I don't get in, I will likely not get in the following year any where else because apparently it looks really bad if you don't match. And thus, I would have commited a career suicide.

So, in summary, should I be aiming to do what's right for my career or what's right for my family life? This is such a sad thing for me. Especially since my husband and I have been apart for last 3 years (with exception of last year). What should I do? I would appreciate ANY and ALL advice.

Thank you!
 

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Oh MY, that is a very tricky situation, I dont know if you are a believer or not but what I will suggest is PRAY PRAY PRAY

It must be such a hard decision, pray for the right direction. I will say a prayer for you and your husband in this crossroad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Originally posted by Elegant@Aug 18 2005, 01:22 PM
Career...

What does your husband think?

~Elegant
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Elegant,

We have had numerous conversations about it. I haven't even turned in my application yet (it opens on September 1st). I think he is being more optimistic than I am. I don't know... He is not forcing me to do anything either way (he is supportive).

Snowy,

I do plan to PRAY (even thought I am not religious) Thanks!!
 

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wow...I don't really have any advice but just wanted you to know that I hope everything works out for you.
 

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Originally posted by okw@Aug 18 2005, 02:53 PM
So, in summary, should I be aiming to do what's right for my career or what's right for my family life?  <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=91909
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that depends...is what is right for your career going to be what is right for your family life. if it were me I would choose career b/c both my husband and I are VERY career oriented. But it all depends on you really. If you are wanting to start a family, that can be a factor too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Originally posted by LadyMontava+Aug 18 2005, 01:31 PM-->
<!--QuoteBegin-okw
@Aug 18 2005, 02:53 PM


So, in summary, should I be aiming to do what's right for my career or what's right for my family life?  <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=91909
that depends...is what is right for your career going to be what is right for your family life. if it were me I would choose career b/c both my husband and I are VERY career oriented. But it all depends on you really. If you are wanting to start a family, that can be a factor too.
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Jaimie,

We are both also very career oriented and if I had to face the same situation a few years ago, I would have chosen career. And yes, I am dying to have children and I don't see how that could happen if we are living apart. And if I have to wait another 3-4 years, I would start getting concerned about my fertility.

Thanks for your thoughts!!
 

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well maybe apply for the three in the area and hopes that it works out...and if not then next year apply for the others. if you wait a year, does that decrease your chances of getting them?
 

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Well, you have worked so hard for many years to get to this point, I would do everything possible to finish. Its not like you were in the early stages of this. If your husband is supportive you two will figure out how to make the marriage work. And I hate to be ugly, but many marriages don't work no matter how much time you spend together. And, husband or not, you will always need to support yourself and your (future) children. It gives you a real sense of security to know that you can do that no matter what happens in your marriage. Good luck, and hopefully you will be accepted close to where your husband is.
 

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Does your husband have any "out" in his contract? Perhaps he shouldn't have signed one until you were settled somewhere. But as they say, it it too late to cry over spilled milk.

What a sad situation for you. I do feel really bad that you have to make such a choice, where there is heartache no matter what you choose. I don't see how you can abandon your career now after putting in so many years. That just doesn't seem prudent at all.

I don't guess the powers that be that will choose where your residency will be will consider where your husband is living?

Here's a thought.... even if you were in the same town as your husband, during a residency you wouldn't see much of him anyway with the long hours it requires, etc.
 

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My opinon would be do you really need to work?? I mean like to can you guys live comfortably (sp) with just ur hubby working? If you can then i would say stay home you have your whole life to work!!!! I say spend time with your husband become a volunteer something to keep u entertained so u wont get bored at home and trust me you get used to it, being at home
i will say a prayer for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Originally posted by Kallie/Catcher's Mom@Aug 18 2005, 02:28 PM
Here's a thought.... even if you were in the same town as your husband, during a residency you wouldn't see much of him anyway with the long hours it requires, etc.
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K/C's mom,

That's kind of funny and true! And you and Quincy'smom are right...I have put in way too much time into my career already (I am 27 already!!). I can't seriously abandon it (especially not with loans). I do hope that residencies will take my husband's location into account. (And he didn't have a choice about signing a contract).

And my marriage could fall apart even if we are in the same city. How sad would that be?

And maltlover - no, my husband won't really be making enough money to support us (unless we live very, very cheaply which would be hard to do in a big city).

I guess what I will do is apply to a number of a number different places (in different cities) and then I will see what kind of feedback I am getting furing interview season before I decide on ranking list (and I will probably be PRAYING nonstop - I better start being more religious very soon). So I will probably be asking for more advice later on in the year.

Thank you so much to everyone!!
 

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Olga, This has got to be a really hard decision for you and your husband to make. I can't make any real suggestions but I can address a couple of points from the spouse standpoint.

John's Oral Surg residency was 4 years - all hospital based. It was horribly long hours. He worked 7 days a week with 2 weeks off per year. Even on Sat. and Sundays he was at the hospital from 7 to noon. He studied on the weekend afternoons and evenings. That was the old days. We hear that things are a little more fair now. We barely saw him, but there was great comfort in knowing that he was in the same town and in the case of an emergency he could have gotten to us in 15 minutes. Living apart wouldn't have worked for us because he wouldn't have had any time to commute and our girls were young so I couldn't have commuted either.

A couple of questions for you - will your husband be able to commute more easily than you? What about living in the same general area, but an hour or 2 plane ride away. Could he come every other weekend if he was in Seattle and your were in San Fran (for example)? Would or could you consider a different residency program that would allow you to be in the same place even though it might not be your first choice? When you finish this year of med school will he still have 3 years left on his contract, or will it be down to 2? Could you take a planned year off between med school and residency (without participating in the match) and not commit career suicide? If you could do that then he would have less time on his contract and you wouldn't have to be apart the whole residency. When he finishes this contract can he go anywhere or is his field limited to certain parts of the country?

Marriage is really hard, as you know. Even though we lived in the same house during residency, it was still challenging for John to rejoin everyday life when it was over (he did an extra fellowship year for a total of 5 years). He wanted to fit right in, but our lives had moved along and the girls had grown up. There is much value in living in the same place because it is one less hurdle to have to clear when residency is over. For us living apart would have been difficult. We did live apart when he finished paying the Navy back for his residency and fellowship and came down here to join the practice. MK was a junior in HS and I stayed in VA to let her finish (2 years). BUT, John lived with my parents in their upstairs (like an apartment) and I came once a month and stayed for about 6 days. We actually got to know each other all over again as adults because the kids were not with us all of the time and our focus was not on them. Again, though, I was the one to do the commuting.....he just couldn't get away while joining a thriving practice. By not working I was able to be flexible during all of the time that John was involved in his career. You and your husband will have to work together to see who and how you can make this work.

I really feel for your situation. As the mother of girls my first reaction would be to tell you to do what's good for YOU. As a wife, I would tell you to think things through from all the angles - what's good for you, what's good for hubby, and what's good for the marriage.

Good luck!
 

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I don't know you but I am older than dirt so feel like I can advise anybody about anything (!), so...
Go for your career. There are too many husbands who let their wives support them through school, then ask for a divorce so they can marry some bimbette.
If you have managed for the last few years you can do a few more. And your education is something that nobody can take away from you, a valuable asset. It will work out for you. Go for it!
 

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Olga,

I was not going to comment on this because I thought I may not know enough of your situation...but after thinking on this, I really think I might make your thought process easier.

I don't know where you were in this process when you met and fell in love with your husband, but I know that he fell in love with a woman who is taking a chance on herself. He knew that you wanted to become a doctor and he knew what that meant. I am a widow so I know how important each and every second is that we spend with our spouse, but my husband wanted me to go after my dreams and he wanted me to experience life not only by his side but in the world. Now, this does not mean that you will not have a marriage that could be stronger than a marriage where the spouses are attached at the hip. You could live in seperate states and still be close if that is what you choose to do. Making time for the person you love is the most important part of this...when you speak to them you must make them the most important thing in the world...even if you are going crazy at the time. You will need to remember that you have limited time with your husband so the time spent will need to be quality. I liken this to when we come in after work and we put every single thing down and devote all our attention to our little furbaby and the welcome we are getting...Same will need to apply to your husband. After the furbaby of course


I firmly believe that your husband would not want you to give up your dream if he truly loves you...
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Huge thank you to both Susan (msmagnolia) and Susan (Teddyandme)!! I deeply appreciate your very thoughtful and kind responses.

My husband does not want me to give up my career for him. I think he loves me for who I am (an ambitious, neurotic, high-strung person that I have always been). I was upset yesterday after a meeting with my dean who seemed to say that I needed to make a choice -- to commit to a career or to do everything possible to be in a geographical area where my husband is.

After more thought, we decided that I will apply and rank schools that are 5-6 hrs of driving away from where he will be. He is willing to drive/fly and do whatever is necessary. I am just hoping it won't come down to that
. Realistically we probably can't really have kids till my last year of residency so we will have to wait anyways. I think I will probably get another puppy to satisfy my maternal instincts!!

Thank you!!
 
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