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Exercise Diary

This is so off topic that eventually it is on topic. Very funny!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups ,
although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on
my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, then she put weights on it! My legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole
new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine
to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other s*** too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. She sent another skinny
b*** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the **** bar bells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, l
like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice made me want
to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up
for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the
little s***) will choose a gift for me that
is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over and touch the floor, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!

Deborah :HistericalSmiley::HistericalSmiley::HistericalSmiley:
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