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Exercise Diary




This is so off topic that eventually it is on topic. Very funny!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
_________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups ,
although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
_________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on
my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, then she put weights on it! My legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole
new life for me.
________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine
to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other s*** too.
________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. She sent another skinny
b*** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the **** bar bells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, l
like the drama coach or the choir director?
_________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice made me want
to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
_________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up
for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the
little s***) will choose a gift for me that
is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over and touch the floor, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!


Deborah :HistericalSmiley::HistericalSmiley::HistericalSmiley:
 
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