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I know I'm new here, but since I've been sick the past couple of years and can't work I don't have many friends anymore. I don't get out much, so this site means more to me than I can tell you, and so does my new baby. Anyway.....

I had posted before about my son, Erik, being in the Navy, on an aircraft carrier, somewhere in the Persian Gulf. I didn't, however, mention that he has been having major emotional problems, financial problems, and he is in trouble with the law. He is only 21 years old.

Well, today I got an e-mail from his commander saying that they are discharging him from the Navy. I'm assuming it is a dishonorable discharge. I've been crying all day.

Two years ago my husband and I co-signed on a car for him. Biggest mistake we've ever made.

He paid on it fine until he met this girl last fall, who is also in the Navy, and stopped paying all his bills, including his car and insurance. According to his friends all he was doing was spending all his money on her, and they said she was cheating on him, but he wouldn't listen.

We flew up to his home base in January and let his supervisors know how much we love him and were worried about him. We tried to get him to sit down and work things out with us, but he refused. It has been like pulling teeth just getting him to catch up on his payments, using all of our resources to help. Just when he was almost caught up, now this.

We tried talking to the girl, but she hates us. Erik told her he was adopted, his father was dead, and he was born and raised in Texas. All lies!

I gave birth to him when I was 20 years old, he lived his whole life in Albuquerque, NM, and his father is NOT dead. We have been married for more than 26 years. We have devoted our entire lives to our children. We always paid our bills and had excellent credit before all this. Not anymore.

Evidentally, he and this girl, who was in the same squadron, were causing a lot of problems both on the base and on the ship. They do not have a policy that prohibits them from seeing each other, so they couldn't stop them.
They finally put her in another squadron and she did not go on this last deployment with them.

The problems got worse when she broke up with him while he's been on the ship. He refused to work, would just walk off the job, and they couldn't find him on the ship. All he was doing was finding a computer anywhere he could to e-mail her and beg her to take him back.

Three weeks ago his Commander called us to tell us they were having major problems with him, but not to worry too much because he was seeing the Chaplin on the ship and a psycologist they have available. They were trying to help him, but he only got worse. So now, they have no choice but to send him back to the base and discharge him.

We are in a big bind. We have to find a way to get up there and sell the car he can't drive because his licence has been suspended and there are warrents out for his arrest. His credit is shot because he didn't pay his bills and wrote hot checks all over the place.

We honestly don't know what is going to happen to him. We don't know if he is willing to come home with us. We are afraid of that because he wreaked havock here before, stole our cars and staying out all night, and I'm not sure our family can take any more, but we can't just give up on our son. Sniff, sniff...

I'm sorry I'm venting so much, but I'm at my wits end. He had been suicidal before and we are extremely worried about him.

I guess I'm just looking for a kind word or two in between my tears.

Princess's Mom - Fredda

By the way, our other two children are wonderful. Our oldest son, Michael, is about to get his Master's degree, has a good job, and has always been very responsible. We co-signed for his first car too, and he never failed to pay it.
Our daughter, Marissa, is so kind and loving, and a straight A student.
How can three children from the same mother and father be so different?
I need all the prayers you can spare.
 

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Oh man! I don't know what to say...I guess situations like this are what all parents fear somewhere deep inside.


It sounds like you have done your best and maybe you need to "Let go and let God". -_- I think tough love has got to be one of the hardest steps to take...and I pray that I will never have to make a decision like that...but after hearing your story, I guess none of us ever know what the future holds.
I don't know if you are religious...but I say...PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!

It was brave of you to share your story with us. Even though my children are young, as a mother, I could feel your anguish and heartbreak.
Big hugs and prayers coming your way!!!!
 

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I hate to say it but this story sound just like my cousin. He is an only child though. He has caused nothing but problems for my aunt and uncle. I think the only difference is that my cousin was violent. They adventually had to ask him to move out. He finally did after 5 years of complete mishaps at his home... When he moved out he had problems as well of course... he was living in the worst places you could image. He also was dating someone that did nothing but take his money. He was in soo much debt and has the worst credit. I dont have any advice really... because I see what my cousin does to my aunt and it brakes my heart. Sometimes my aunt will tell me how upset she is about something soo i try to give my cousin a heads up and tell him what he could do for his mother. He always says to me "dont worry, i will"... and never comes through with what he says hes gonna do.
What ended up happening is my uncle passed away suddenly last year and I thought my cousin would get his act together.... nope.. but the only good thing is he got rid of that horrible girl that put him in so much debt! I guess thats a start...
My aunt signed for his appartment that he now living in... and he promised to work and pay all his bills off so he can transfer his appartment in his own name. So far I think he is keeping his word.


It's a shame the whole situation.. I wish i could give you some advice.. but nothing works with my own cousin... we are at the point that we kinda gave up expecting him to do things in or with his life...
I am guessing that sometimes there are those children that have to learn the hard way.... and it takes them almost their whole life to learn a lesson. Just remember that your a good mother and you are doing everything you can possibly do.
 

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Fredda,
I'm so glad that you found SM and can feel free to vent here. Maybe that will help you. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through such a tough situation. My instinct is to agree with the others that it might be time for tough love. Unfortunately, I guess none of us know what we would do until we find ourselves in the situation. I have known some really nice people who have raised some really nice children and then one of them has a problem that continues to escalate. I don't think that it means that you were a bad parent! As an adult it may be time for your son to accept responsibility for his own actions. As long as you let him know that he is loved, I think it is also OK to let him know that he must find his own way out of the problems. The problems of the heart (trouble with the girl friend) are the worst. I've seen it with my own children. A boyfriend problem can make a perfectly rational, smart person go completely nuts for a while.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Maybe you and your husband should consider counseling for yourselves to help you deal with your son. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please keep us updated.
 

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I am so sorry you are going through such a sad time with your son. I do hope one day he does come to his senses and take resposiblity for his actions. He is still young and I am sure one day he will sort himself out and see where he is headed and perhaps make the necessary changes. Often it takes a rude awakening and then they tend to see the err of their ways. I will pray that this happens for him and real soon, for your sake and his.
 

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Pray, pray, pray and pray, and know that you are being prayed for.

 

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Im so sorry you and your family are going through this.It sounds to me that you have tried everything to help your son,now I believe also just let him know he is loved and you are theret o support him emotionaly..but thats it.
It is time to use tough love.Im speaking of my own personal experence when I say that.My family went through something simaliar but drugs were involved. After we tried everything...counseling included we had to go the tough love way.Other wise you become an enabler. You are very brave to share this,and we are all here to support you anytime. God Bless &
 

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I am so sorry to hear about your son. I have no advice to give but please remember that you can always come here to talk about whatever and you and your family will be in my prayers.
 

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As a parent, it is so hard to see your child unhappy. Probably one of the greatest fears is that they won't find their own way in this world. I really have no advice to offer to make your mind at ease. Trust what your heart is telling you to do. And please feel free to vent at any time! That's the beauty of this site.
 

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that totally sucks! if only you could send him to brat camp.
i hope everything gets better though. and i totally get what youre saying about how 3 kids are totally different w/ the same parents. my brother just ruined his credit and can never work with stocks ever again. he embezzled money from his clients.
and he's 33 yrs old!

i hope you can figure something out...or that someone here can help you.
 

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I am so sorry for everything you and your family are going through. As a parent I know how much you want to take care of and make everything better for your children. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
 

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Just remember you have done all you can do, you can't continue to do every thing for him even if he's your child. I know you love him, but he's a man now and it's time for him to handle matters. He may be in trouble and he may go to jail, but this could wake him up and see how he had messed up his life and do a turn around.

Open your heart and turn every thing over to the Lord, he will see you and your family thu all this.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

 

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It is baffling and so sad when a child fails to become a responsible adult. You really can't do any more for him and I think you know it. It must feel as though you've lost him to see him do the polar opposite of what you raised him and taught him to do.

You'll always have that ache in your heart for the one who went wrong but be mindful that you give credit and attention (and you have, apparently) to the ones that went right and give yourself a big pat on the back for them because raising children is not easy!

My heart goes out to you.
 
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