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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So... I have a question about babies!!
I am 28 and my hubbie is 34 - I am in the very early stages of toying with the idea of a baby (of the human rather than fluffy variety). Up until a few months ago I didn't ever think about having kids, in fact was pretty certain that I didn't want them. My husband says he doesn't want kids - the funny thing is that he would be a GREAT Dad! He doesn't think we have the time or the money - but I don't think anyone ever has the right amount of time or money - you either have to do it or not!

The thing is... I don't really know what to do with children - I don't know many (I'm an only child) and I can't really imagine dealing with all the poo and sleepless nights and annoying crying. Can it REALLY be true that when it's your own, none of that matters? Or do you need to have that 'Mother gene' where you always know that you want to have kids and love babies and small kids??

I suppose it's little Audrey who has got me thinking about it, as I feel like i am a pretty good Mum to her and love her to bits. But then I've always liked dogs - even other people's.


The general consensus between the older (my Mother's) generation is that having babies ruins your relationship with your partner because everything becomes about the baby for the next 18 years.

So what to do?? If you could all have your life over would you still have babies? Would you have one or more? Would you have had them later or earlier than you did if you could do it over?

For those who don't have kids yet - are you planning on having them - anyone NOT want children?

I would love to hear everyone's point of view....
 

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Wow!!
I would have to say that children are ALOT of work! I have always wanted children, have always babysat, went to college to be a teacher, etc. so I knew they would be in my plans someway, sometime. I have always wanted alot of children, however have stopped at 2 - still get the "desire" for a 3rd sometimes but then I remember all the hard work. But children to me are sooo rewarding. They give back so much that all the hard work is definately worth it in the end. I have a sister and a sister-in-law who after having 1 child, called it quits and thought it was too much work - They never regretted their one child but never desired anymore either. Hope I've helped!
 

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I just posted under the other thread. I am 27 and so is my husband. We both feel ready for kids (okay, maybe I feel a little more ready than he does, but he totally wants kids). I know what you mean about not being around kids since I was one of 2 kids and my sister was older. However, I feel confident that once I am in the mommy position, I will know what to do.

When I was in college, I was totally sure that I did not want kids -- all I wanted to do was to be a physician. Once I was in med school and past the hard first 2 years, my biological clock kicked in. Miko is like our first baby and sort of a practice one and I think we are doing great with him.

I am not worried about our marriage being affected by kids. We have been together for 9 years. We grew up together and made it through 3 years of long distance relationship. We graduated from college together, my husband graduated from grad school this past june and in May I will graduate from med school -- so it seems like we are all grown up and ready for kids. However, the idea of going off the pills does scare the crap out of me :new_Eyecrazy: !!!!!
 

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I've always wanted kids but then I have always been around kids and babies. On my dad's side there is 12 grandkids (age range 32-19). On my mom's side there is 13 grandkids (age rang 30-1) and 3 great-grandkinds (age range 8-1). I've also babysat since I was 12. I'm one of those crazy baby people.


Do you have any friends with kids? Maybe you can hang out with them and when you get comfortable with them watch them for a little while. That is a great way to learn.
 

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Vicki,

I can say that being a mother is the most incredible gift I have ever been given. I have loved every single age my daughter was...always feeling that the age she was then was the perfect age. I always knew I wanted a child from the time I was around 10 years old. For some reason though I always believed I was only going to have one...even though I wanted more. Turns out that I was only able to have one...but boy is she perfect.

I turly believe that it is your frame of mind in a lot of things...during pregnancy, I was so happy to have this little being in me and to be able to feel her was just unbelievable, and then when I finally was able to meet this little girl...I was so beside myself with so many emotions from pure joy to over protectiveness. I tried for many years to have another child...but it was not to be...if I could now I still would want another.

Only you can tell if you would want a child...but I can say this...it is different when it is your own....no doubt about it...and I believe that adopted children are your own...once you adopt. So, you have this little being that you would just do anything for...and you don't think about what it is taking from you...only what you can do to make their life better.

I know one thing in life...I have been a good mother...other things I am not so certain of....but motherhood. Nothing better.
 

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I cannot dream of not having children. I plan to have children one day and it is very important to both my boyfriend and myself. Yes, it changes relationships and there will be alot of focus on the new baby. But you will be putting a lot of focus on the baby too not just your husband.

All my friends that had babies recently (3 of them) are all loving the baby life!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Originally posted by Teddyandme@Oct 10 2005, 04:11 PM
Vicki,

I always knew I wanted a child from the time I was around 10 years old.  For some reason though I always believed I was only going to have one...even though I wanted more.  Turns out that I was only able to have one...but boy is she perfect. 
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I almost wish that I had this same felling - then I would know for sure what I want to do!!
You see for me it has never crossed my mind until very recently and I am 28!!
As I don't think having a baby is somethig you just 'do', how do you ever know if you're really ready?

To make it worse, my husband at 34 still doesn't think he is ready - if he ever will be - despite him having all the qualities that I think would make him a great parent. If HIS biological clock hasn't kicked in at 34, will it ever?
I don't want to have kids unless he does - it's not something you can do by halves!
 

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You know, I never liked babysitting as a kid but always grew up thinking I would have kids, because isn't that the way it works? I have 4 neices and nephews that I loved dearly and loved spending days and weekends with...I also LOVED when Mom picked them up. I got married at the ripe old age of 18 and wasn't smart enough to make a choice about children. After 8 years we thought, hmmm maybe, but then found out my husband couldn't. I've always felt like God knew better than me about whether I should or not, and I'm not second guessing Him! Now I'm married 29 years and only have 3 furry babies to worry about, and they don't stay out at night! I'm sure children would have been a blessing, but I rather like my spoiled childless life. (I do miss the grown up neices and nephews though....)
 

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I agree with Abbey. I would also add that it wouid not ruin your relationship if you and your husband always make time for each other. My husband is my best freind. we have been though a lot with our kids. Our son has many medical problems. He will never live on his own. my hubby and I our a team. But that is another thing to consider. things can happen you have to be prepared for anything. I sure had no idea my live would be this chalenging. I adore my son completly but there are some very hard days. so in the end you have to decide what is best for you. good luck :D
 

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Originally posted by CharmyPoo@Oct 10 2005, 02:14 PM
I cannot dream of not having children. 
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That's exactly how I feel. If something happens and we cannot have children, we would definitely adopt. I would probably want a little child from Russia but my American husband doesn't want to plan that far since we both hope that we can have our own. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without children.
 

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I just posted on another thread regarding this very issue. I would not be able to understand "being certain that I didn't want children". I have always wanted to have kids. I was the oldest sibling in my family, helped take care of my brothers, babysat, and for me I felt incomplete before having kids.
I think that there are more opportune times than others (regarding time and money) but there will NEVER be a perfect time. I am just grateful for my blessings given in my 3 children. I love everything about being a mom. Now, that doesn't mean that in the middle of the night when my babies have been up 10 times, and I am so tired, that I don't think "why did I do this?" Then, I look into my kids eyes, and all is forgotten.
Everyone needs to decide what is important to them. While this worked for myself and my husband, I know it isn't the right choice for everyone. I think you need to really dig inside yourself and try to decide if this is something YOU really want, or do you think it is from seeing others that you are afraid you might be missing something. (Please, don't take that the wrong way. Nothing bad is intended) And then you have to be willing to compromise with your husband. It is not only your life, it is his as well. Please do not try to convince him it is the right thing, if he is against it. This could lead to trouble, and possibly if you have children, he could resent the child. No child deserves that!
I guess, to sum it all up, do what works for your family, not someone elses's.
 

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Originally posted by okw@Oct 10 2005, 04:28 PM
If something happens and we cannot have children, we would definitely adopt.
My boyfriend and I have actually discussed this. We both want kids one day. We talk about things like .. if he can't have kids, he wants to adopt a child completely not related to either of us. It's pretty strange where our conversations go.
 

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Is it different when the child is your own??? YES! The minute you become
pregnant and hear the heart beat and feel the little kicks and then the first
time you see that precious face. I never knew how STRONG love could be till
I had my first child.

Watching them grow and learning new things. Being there for all their firsts and
teaching them morals and the proper way to act in life and how to think for them
selves.

Yes it can be a lot of work but they are a part of YOU. Children are so innocent
and quick to learn.

Now when my children get to be teens I might have a different view on things.
 

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Whether to have children or not have them is only the business of the two parents who will raise them. Some people are "meant" to be parents, and some have them and shouldn't.
For me, my three, along with God and my dogs, are the center of my life. I had a son who died of meningitis when he was three weeks old. God blessed us with premature twins a year and eight days later. My husband was satisfied with the girls (and a little scared to have another one), but he often said having our son was one of the best tricks I played on him. Actually, it wasn't a trick, as he was aware all along that it was in the planning. He now treats our son like the golden boy who can have whatever he desires.
I basically raised our three on my own. I chose to divorce when my girls were in third grade, and my son in kindergarten. I had financial help from my ex, but not much cooperation. In fact, he did everything he could to make my life miserable. My children do have a relationship with their father. They also had a wonderful step mother who came along later. She and I are friends, and she knows I feel sorry for her (everybody does). It was at this time that I went back to work.
Raising three children and working the hours I did was not easy. I did have a housekeeper part time, and a farm manager who drove the kids back and forth to school, and even taught them to drive cars and tractors. My children and I had a special bond while they were growing up, and we still do. They all feel comfortable coming to me with their worries/problems.
My children are all grown. My baby is finishing graduate school in engineering. I'm very close to all three. While they don't live close, we do talk on the phone almost daily.
Now, my dogs fill my home. I think that if I didn't have them, I would not be able to handle life like I do. They were my therapy when my children went away to college. I talk with them, and I plan my time around their needs, just like I did my children when they were younger.
 

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First, let me start by saying that children change your lives...forever. You are no longer free to come and go as you please, you are no longer able to dine in fine restaurants, and you become instantly poor (all your $$$ goes to the baby). And you will never sleep as deeply as you do now. Now that the "bad stuff" is out of the way...there is nothing more fulfilling in life than becoming a parent. No boss will ever look at you and think you are the most wonderful human being on this planet like a child will. No job will be as rewarding as that of parent. No love will be greater than that you have for your child. To me, the good far out weighs the bad, which isn't that bad at all! Including the poopy diapers (which only last a couple of years). I will tell you that both you and your husband are still young. My youngest was born when I was 37 and my husband was 46. And it is true...everyone else has brats...yours will be angels! That's the way it is. I am sure you and your husband will make wonderful parents.
 

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I posted this in the other thread but thought it really belonged here!

When I was married, my husband and I decided we didn't want kids. Long story. Anyway, I've been divorced for more than 20 years. Now in my 50s I wish I did have kids. How nice it would be to have grown children in their 20s or 30s now. As it is, I am pretty much on my own. My parents are deceased and all my relatives live in other states. I have a few great friends, but they have their families and their lives so there are times when I am lonely and wish I had grown children and grandchildren.

However, I never could quite picture myself raising kids. I never thought I was cut out for it. And muscular dystrophy runs in my family and I would have had to have genetic testing to see if I am a carrier of the gene, etc. So, that sort of kept me from wanting to have kids, also. It's weird though.... if I were about 15 years younger I think I would want to adopt one or two children from China. Now, finally, in my 50s I think I wouldn't mind having kids.

So, those of you who have decided not to... just make sure you are 100% sure of your decision....I truly think there are more people who regret not having them than regret having them.
 

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My husband and I are childfree by choice.

Some words of advice;
don't do it because it's the "natural" next step
Don't do it because people tell you to
Don't do it to fix anything or fulfill anything in your life.

Have kids because you want to create a human, you want to spend 24/7 for the rest of your life being responsible for another human. Have kids because you can't imagine a life without them.
 

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Well I'm only 23..which I dont really think is young but most people will tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me. Anyway, at this exact point in my life I dont see myself with children. I have never been the maternal type. I always hated babysitting. I love having things just the way I like them, a dirty/ messy house gives me major anxiety. I couldnt imagine having toys to pick up and all their crap all over the place. I am the oldest in my family with two younger brothers and I feel like that has been enough mothering to them. I also worked in a school with disabled children and when I look at all the terrible things that can happen to kids, I just cant see myself taking those chances. Also, having been a biology major and learning about all the diseases and things that can affect kids is a scary thought. The odds seem so slim to have a normal well adjusted child. I know you love your children no matter what, but I'm a very logical reasonable need-the-facts kind of person. Now, my mom does have friends with no children, who now, in their 50's, regret not having a family to be close to. I actually dont even see myself getting married...but then again my life is very up in the air now. Perhaps when I am more settled down, my thoughts will change.
 

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The only people that should make the decision to have or not to have a baby are the man and woman involved. Their parents, their siblings and their friends will not be the ones raising the child and they should stay out of it. My own daughters say that they aren't sure if they will want children. I hope they'll change their minds, but I wouldn't dream of telling them that. It is simply not a decision that someone else can make.

Now, having said all of that, I am so glad that my husband and I had children. For us it was the right choice. And the thing is that we don't really like babies. We don't like to play pass the baby, we don't like parties where somebody brings their baby when everyone else got a sitter, and we hate being in a restaurant next to a crying baby. Somehow, though, it is different when it is your baby. The uncertainty kind of melts away.

For all of those who are considering having children, I will tell you that there is no perfect time. It simply doesn't exist. I think that this decision is largely based on following what your heart tells you.
 
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