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Hi all. I am just so mad, not at anyone here. After 15 years my son's father has decided he wants to be part of MY son's live. My son is going to be 21 this Friday and he has no memory of his father at all. His father left me when my son was 2 weeks old and has never paid support or really seen him. He saw him a couple of times when my son was very young, but that is about it. No birthday cards or anything. No phone calls to see how he was...nothing. Last week my son found a note in his door from his father with a phone number. My son hasn't called and told me he has no intentions of calling him. But Friday I got a phone call on my cell phone...you guessed it, from HIM. I'm not sure how he got my cell phone number - we have no friends or family connections but he got it. So if he has that he knows where I am. He left me a nasty message about how I kept his son from him and he was going to see him. I have never done anything to this man...didn't even go after child support. I have heard that he was into drugs heavily and I did see him myself when he was doing drug...not a pretty site. One time he called me when my son wasn't even a year old and he told me he wanted to sell him...I am kidding you not. I was told that he was too young to remember me and we would get lots of money. While of course at the time I didn't know what to say...so I just told him I wasn't interested. Now that I am much older I have plenty to say, but I am not going to talk to him. Oh, just when life was going good he shows back up.
 

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I suspect it's no coincedence his biological father showed up just when your son is turning 21. Dear old "dad" probably thinks he's off the hook for child support so it's safe.

I am a paralegal and used to do a lot of family law. I can tell you that more and more, courts are making child support retroactive back to the day the child was born.

I don't know your situation, but if the two of you were ever married, your son would be legally his. Even if you weren't ever married, paternity can be proven.

If I were you, I'd consult a good family lawyer in your area and find out if you're entitled to child support for all those years. (Many lawyers have a free initial consultation). If you are entitled to back child support, I'd use that information to scare this man back to whatever hole he crawled out of. I have a sneaking suspicion that his new found paternal instincts will fade away pretty quickly when he realizes he could have wages garnished, his drivers license revoked, and even go to jail if he fails to pay the support he owes.
 

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Don't worry, Laceysmom - He will soon disappear again. They always do! And even if your son does try to have something to do with him, he will see right through him! Just try to not "put him down" to your son and let him figure it out on his own. Anyone can be a father, it takes alot more to be a Dad! And if he's went 21 years without having anything to do with his son, then he has no idea what it takes to be a Dad!!
Hang in there - I'm sure you raised your son to know better!
 

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shoot him! oh wait, thats probably bad advice, i think in this situation as old as your son is now its going to be best to let your son handle it and as abbey said he will probably be gone again in no time
 

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Originally posted by Joe@Oct 5 2005, 01:36 PM
shoot him! oh wait, thats probably bad advice, i think in this situation as old as your son is now its going to be best to let your son handle it and as abbey said he will probably be gone again in no time
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well said. I totally agree with Joe. Good luck.
 

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Marj has given you some wonderful advice. You should definitely consult a lawyer. Obviously at 21 your son is an adult, if his father tries to contact him, that's between the two of them. But if his father continues to contact you and threaten you, that's a different story. You should contact the police and place an order of protection against him. If you son wants to do the same, he should as well. This man tracked the two of you down, went to your son's home, and called you on your cell phone. You have no idea of what he is capable of doing, but right now he is stalking you.
 

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I'm with joe too. Unfortunetly we are not allowed to do such things... but Ladys mom is correct take his butt to court and he will be sorry for every thing he ever did not do.
that's the way to hit him... don't feel guilt about doing it either . The nerve. Can you feel my anger. I'm also one of those children... with those dads... that have the never to say such horible things. When they were givein chances. I talk to him now, but one day he called me saying how the court is after him for money he did not pay as I was a child and then tried ot blame my mom. Let me telll you he got two ear fulls. i blasted him for 25 years of neglect of my life. yep... and it felt good too.
Take that man to court.
 

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Originally posted by Joe@Oct 5 2005, 01:36 PM
shoot him! oh wait, thats probably bad advice, i think in this situation as old as your son is now its going to be best to let your son handle it and as abbey said he will probably be gone again in no time
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Well said too, I agree 100%, it may take your son telling him to go back where he came from to get rid of him, along with the idea that he may be up for back payments of child support. If you say he was on drugs and wanted money before, if your son is working make him aware that he shouldn't give him money, I suspect that is probably what he may be looking for, a loan, if you get my drift. He could be desparate.
I would also be inclined to let the local police know what is happening just in case he starts harassing you either over the phone or otherwise, they may be able to suggest a way to have him stopped.
 

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I'm so sorry you have to be put in such a position. How awful!

You have been given some wonderful advice. Tht was pretty much what I was going to say so instead I'll tell you to hang in there and more than likely it will all blow over. If he wasn't around for the first 21 years, I doubt he will be for the next 21.
 

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I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I think that advice from LadysMom and SaltyMalty is really good. And you should trust your son to make good decisions for himself. Don't give your son't father the control to make YOUR life unhappy.
 

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I am angry with him too. This just makes my blood pressure rise. I know what you are going through but the case with my sons father is a little different. He comes in and out of my sons life since he has been 3 years old. Now that my son will soon be 17 and his father has promised him the moon and hasn't followed through, my son has figured out on his own what he is. My son belongs to me and me only. I have been his father and mother for most of his life except for the past 3 years. And now he has a great step father which my son adores.

You got a lot of great advice from a lot of your friends and don't hesitate to follow through. Believe me you won't regret any of it. If you set back he may think that he can keep on intimidating you. Don't let him have the satifaction of thinking he is getting his way.

Joe, oh how I wish we could take your advice but it is against the law and he isn't worth the bullet or going to prison. I don't put men down just DEAD BEAT FATHER'S!

I am sorry that I have rattled on but this helped to get a little off my chest too.
 

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I think that you've got lots of good advice. I just want to say that I'm sorry you have to go through this now. Hopefully, he will lose interest and leave you guys alone soon. I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.
 

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I am so sorry that you are going through this.

The only thing I can offer you is that if he is honestly trying to build
a relationship with your son then he will deal with the abuse the he
recieves from YOUR son. But if he isn't serious as soon as he realizes
that your son isn't going to run to him with open arms and be eager
to build a relationship with him he'll give up in no time.

The good news is, since your son is of legal age he has absolutely
no legal rights to do anything drastic. Believe in yourself and the
job you did in raising your son and let him handle it the way
he sees fit. I wouldn't get the law involved unless he continues to
call you and harass you.

In whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck and I deeply believe
that Jesus can solve all our problems if we will just turn to him and Listen.
 

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That is frustrating. I think that if your son does decide to ever see his dad, it will be just that. He knows how much you love him and what all you have done for him and what his dad hasn't. I can kind of feel with you and ur frustrations though, we have been dealing with issues with my husbands father. I told him I would support him if he wanted to continue a relationship with his dad because I would rather put up with it for the short time that he will probably be around, verses reminding him how much of a jerk his dad is, and have my husband really regret it when his dad is gone. So far, he will just talk to him when he calls, which is very very rarely but other than that has nothing to do with him. My husband turned 25 this year and this was the first birthday his dad didn't call, he made up some excuse that he had so much on his mind (but still manage to talk to his exwife), and didn't contact my husband again until late August (talked to him prior to that in May). My husband was actually kind of feeling relieved with not having to talk to his dad and worry about the stress he brings or causes. Then when he decided to finally reach out ot my husband, he wasn't leaving very friendly messages, and then when that didnt work, he decided to reach out with this " idont know what I have ever done...I really love you guys", blah blah blah. He is such a manipulative crooked man, I will stop there
. I do feel for you and your son going through this
, sometimes it's like why didn't they just stay away.
 

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I firmly beleive that if you allow a child (in this case a 21 year old) to see the truth then the truth will set them free....and by that I mean, your child saw you raise him, he noticed all those times you were there and good old Dad was not. Now, Dad is back...but your son still remember what happened....sure he may want to see the man...wouldn't you want to try and connect with your Dad....but your son will see him for what he is....someone who walked out on him.

My story is a bit different, as most know I am a widow and my daughter was only 8 when her Dad died....I took her to my in-laws every single time I was asked...and I kept her in contact with her grandmother (grandfather already was gone) and I tried to keep her in contact with all my husbands sisters and brothers...(he never got along with them when he was alive and we kept our distance)....anyway, I never said a bad thing about them, even though they stole money (thousands of dollars) that was earmarked for Rebecca and we had nothing....he did not even have insurance so Ilived on very little....anyway, she never knew this.

Well, lo and behold my daughter got to be around 17 or 18 and she could drive and they all started asking her all the time...she saw through them in about 3 months if it even took that long. But around 6 months of this and they stopped including her again...just shutting her out of their lives...makes me cry even thinking about it (this is my husbands only child and you would think they would want to keep that part of him close) She realized on her own what kind of people they were...I never had to say a word...

And, I bet neither will you. Your son saw with his own eyes what happened....sure your X may try and alter the story....but your son was with you and knows what kind of a mom you are. Don't let a bum ruin that.

Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thank all of you for your wonderful advice. I would love to go after this man for child support and give it all to my son and his family. We were never married and I did not go after child support, wish I had, but at the time I just wanted him to stay out of our lives. I am going to speak with an attorney when I calm down and find out if I have any options. I seem to be more upset than my son. He called me the other day and told me not to worry. He told me he wasn't really upset that his father had never been in his life (I suspect he didn't know what to miss plus my husband has been wonderful to him) he was more upset that he never gave me any money to help support him. He knows I never went after any child support and my reason why but he told me he remembers all the times I worked extra jobs so I could make sure he was taken care of. He is a good son, even those 2 horrible years as a teenager, but he has turned out to be a wonderful son, husband and father - his daughter is a year old and he and my daughter in law are wonderful parents. Plus my son has decided to go to college, that makes me so happy. So thank you all for your wonderful advice and support.
 
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