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What would you do?

2219 Views 28 Replies 23 Participants Last post by  Canada, 
M
I am a little short on time, so I will just give a very brief explanation.

A good friend of mine is getting married for the second time. Her first marriage was a quick one at the court house. This marriage is going to be a full blown extravaganza. She and the groom already have a child together who is four and recently diagnosed with Autism. There is a program that the state offers for children like him and he was accepted into it, however, she must pay $4,000 (it is actually like a $20,000 but the state picks up the rest).

She recently told me she isn't going to put him in the program because she doesn't have the money, BUT she is still planning on her wedding.

Myself, along with many other friends, are very upset over this. Yes, she can still cancel the wedding and get 90% of her money back, but she refuses.

If you felt as strongly as I do about this, would you go to the wedding?
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puppymom
Malt Lover said:
Thanks everyone. I am really struggling with this decision. I guess I shouldn't have said that she and I are good friends, we are more good work acquaintances (we work closely and on a daily basis whether it is on the phone or face to face) and she is inviting me because she is inviting the whole department. Therefore, no, I do not feel comfortable confronting her in her decision. She has mentioned that she is having this large wedding because she never got to do the big "white-wedding" with her first marriage.


I agree wholeheartedly with you! You hit the nail on the head! What you stated is exactly the problem I am having. Do I judge her on how she choose to spend her money? This is a moral decision for me! I try to never judge anyone. What someone does it completely their own business, but this one really has me upset.

I often travel for my job, so I am going to try and schedule a business trip for that weekend.
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That does change things. As someone already said, you may not know the whole story. But even if you it is what it appears it really isn't something that you can or should do anything about (bad as you feel). I would simply send my regrets, no excuse needed, and not attend.

I also agree with iheartbisou, I try not to mix my work and personal life.

We often judge people without knowing the whole story and there may be many things going on in this persons life that you are not aware of.
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silverhaven
TheMalts&Me said:
I agree although I can't really see a reason to why someone would throw a wedding party instead of taking care of his/her child who needs the financial support for that - just like you mentioned in the original thread: she will be able to afford if she didn't throw a party.

Nevertheless, there are two sides of every story. She might have the reason that I don't see :unsure: not really sure!
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The problem with not being close to the person and knowing all the facts is that the financial thing may have just been a throw away comment, but there could be many reasons why they have decided that it isn't for their child, the financial being only one of them. People are so quick to judge these days. Pontificating what they think is right. It is easy to do, but walking in someone elses shoes isn't. I don't think it is anyone's business if they hardly know the family. I am sure that the people close to them know the situation and would take a much stronger stand, and those are the ones that they really care about whether they come to the wedding or not.

But of course if it is only the financial reason then I would be truly horrified. I have 3 grown kids and would give anything up for them.
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3Maltmom
silverhaven said:
The problem with not being close to the person and knowing all the facts is that the financial thing may have just been a throw away comment, but there could be many reasons why they have decided that it isn't for their child, QUOTE]


Yup :thumbsup:
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Chalex
I had a friend who bought a brand new top of the line BMW and then said she couldn't afford to send her son to college (bright kid, hard worker, got into very good schools). Notice i said HAD.
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V
For goodness sakes, give the couple a break! Although the child was just recently diagnosed with autism, they've probably dealt with the stress of the child's symptoms for 2-3 years, and they'll be dealing with the child's autism for the rest of their lives. The planning of the wedding probably gave them something fun to anticipate. They deserve a moment of joy, happiness, and celebration. Hopefully they will be able to work out something for the child's tuition. Who knows? Maybe they already have.


Joy
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camfan
I think if you feel uncomfortable going, don't go. I think it would be a disservice to go and feel judgemental in your heart towards them. I agree with the comments that you may not know the whole story.
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CloudClan
My sister is autistic. My parents spent their lives devoted to her care. So I am very sympathetic to the child and his parents.

That being said. I would not judge your friend for her decisions. Yes, she may be making a stupid mistake in how she spends money. Lots of people do.

But I would not sit in judgement of her decision here. If I were you I would separate the issues and decide if you would go to the wedding no matter what you knew or didn't know about her son.

She and her husband will have to face many challenges as their son grows up and I hope that they make the best decisions they can for him down the road, but until you have walked in their shoes, you can not really judge them. And if this is a huge mistake? Well, if I dumped my friends every time one of them made a huge mistake (or they did to me) I don't think I would have nearly as many friends as I do. Just saying...
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3Maltmom
vjw said:
For goodness sakes, give the couple a break! Although the child was just recently diagnosed with autism, they've probably dealt with the stress of the child's symptoms for 2-3 years, and they'll be dealing with the child's autism for the rest of their lives. The planning of the wedding probably gave them something fun to anticipate. They deserve a moment of joy, happiness, and celebration. Hopefully they will be able to work out something for the child's tuition. Who knows? Maybe they already have.


Joy
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I agree ~ :thumbsup:

My nephew is autistic. He's doing wonderfully. His parents know what they are doing. They certainly don't need "co-workers" gossiping. :blink:
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Canada
It is possible that a family member is privately helping them throw the wedding of their dreams.
And my initial thoughts were along the lines of Silverhavens, that maybe they have other missgivings about the programme for their son.
And the wedding gifts could be put toward their son.

I think their is some great advice from everyone.
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