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I need some advice on what to do… well, I think I know what I need to do, just not how to go about it.


Some of you guys may remember that I mentioned moving in to a house with a co-coach from my gym club in June this year. Well, I’ve really changed my mind about it. When I originally made the decision, everything was ok – but in the last few weeks I’ve learnt a lot about this girl and I really don’t want to take the risk of moving in with her. -_- These are the things that have happened.

*She decided one night, when she was supposed to be working (we were supposed to supervise about 40 kids for a fund-raising sleepover) that she would instead drive to a city 7 hours away to see her friends and family instead. She made this decision about half an hour after she had gotten to work and just walked out.

*She bought a video camera with her money and then whinged because she couldn’t afford to buy food for three weeks. Who buys something that they don’t need (she didn’t have a specific purpose for it, and there are at least 3 within our club community that are available to be borrowed whenever we need them)??

*She is a week behind in her rent (yet still manages to go out drinking on weekends) and says to me “I don’t care, what are they going to do? Evict me?”

*She hasn’t paid her mobile phone bill and says “they’ll just have to wait. I’ll pay when I’m ready and no sooner”.

*She wanted to go out for the night. I live in a different town (about 30 minutes away). I told her I didn’t really want to go out but I’d go for a couple of drinks and a dinner at the local pub. I had worked all week (I work 73.5 hours a week) and had to work from 9am-4.30pm coaching the next day, so I didn’t want to be out late. She got really cranky at me when we got out because she obviously thought she would change my mind. I reminded her that I also didn’t have the money to go drinking. She only had about $20 and spent it all on alcohol, then asked me if I had any money. I didn’t. She then tried to get money off her maxed out credit card and it wouldn’t let her. She then came back to me and said “You have a credit card don’t you?” and I said “Yes” and she said “It’s not maxed out is it” and I said “Close enough”… she then asked me if I could get cash out on it so that she could have some more money to go out and drink!!!!!! She wanted me to pay 20% interest on cash advance on my credit card for her to drink!!! The story gets worse though….

While I was there, I saw one of my mates from work. I work directly with him all day, 5 days a week. I introduced her to him. After an hour or two SHE ASKED HIM FOR MONEY. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I apologised profusely and continue to do so, but I still feel the sting of embarrassment every day from her doing that


*Late last week I got my phone bill. It is usually around $30-$40. I got the worst surprise when I opened it up and it said $75!!! When I looked at it, there were 5 long distance telephone calls (I don’t call long distance – it’d be a very rare occasion)… all of them made by her (she stayed at my house after she went out another night – I trusted her in my home while I was at work and then gave her a lift home in the afternoon). ONE OF THEM WAS OVER 100 MINUTES $23!!!! Who goes to somebody else’s place and makes phone calls?!??! I trusted her in my home! I only wander what else she did?! She probably went through everything I own – and now I feel very betrayed! On top of that, I have an extra $25 odd dollars to pay on my phone bill that I didn’t use!

Am I being over the top by saying that I just don’t want to live with her?


My feelings are that no matter what, she has no control over her money – she’s not mature enough to handle it. She could have all the money in the world but she is still unable to budget and take care of herself properly. She seems to me to be incapable of living within her means.

I am the type of person who has never had an outstanding or overdue bill. I pay everything on time and that’s the way I like to. I ensure that I stay 2 weeks minimum ahead in my rental payments, etc. I pay my bills, THEN I look at what I have left to spend on me. If I only have $20 spare, I only spend $20. I would also feed Abby before I fed myself. I feel the same way to her as I would a child. I would feed the child before I fed myself. I never let it get to a situation where I can’t afford to feed myself (I have had very lean weeks of eating pastas on special and tinned food before), but I’ve never been in that position because of carelessness and living outside of my means (that time was because of extremely high medical bills because I was very sick).

I get the feeling that it will be the case with her that the bill will come along, I will want it paid on time (not wanting a black mark on my name), she will claim she has no money and ask me if I can cover it and she’ll pay me back when she gets paid and I will never see the money again…
I can’t take that sort of step backwards. I’m 22. I want to buy a house soon. (What I don’t understand is that this girl is 23! Surely she has more stability and maturity than this!) If I can’t even trust her as a guest in my home now, how can I trust her when I live with her?!

I’m not a confrontational person. I can’t just go up and blast her. I don’t know why, but I just can’t. And now I need to be able to tell her that I’m not moving in. I feel like she is going to “sting” me by backstabbing me and making me out to people at the club to be an awful person for not moving in with her.
I could very well just turn around and tell them everything above and that would settle the issue – but I’m not a sadistic person – despite her doing it to me, I wouldn’t want to go so low as to do it back to her


What do I do?? This has been eating away at me and I can’t sleep properly or concentrate because of it, I’ve even lost my appetite and feel like I am slipping into depression over it. I was going to talk to a friend who is a mother of three girls at our club. She is lovely, she’s very smart but she’s also very sensitive, so she would be able to help me approach it. But again, I just get shy at face to face stuff (don’t ask me how I coach! Something just ‘happens’ when I’m out there with the kids! LOL). And I worry that I will make her think badly of this girl – she coaches two of her daughters… I know she wouldn’t say anything ever, but I just don’t like the thought of making other people hate somebody for something that has happened with me
Does that make sense?

PS – I’m sorry this is so long…
 

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RUN from that girl

She is not going to change and will take advantage of you even more then she already did.

That's my advise. And NEVER EVER loan her any money if you are not ready to loose it. She will never pay you back. Unfortunately there are many people like her who take advantage of other people.
 

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I am only half way through this but I dont have time to do more than skim quick since its bedtime. RUN dont walk and dont even think twice about moving in with this person. I've come across people like this in my lifetime, and trust me you will be asking for trouble! I'm sure you'll get other great advice here so I will leave it at that and go catch some zzzzz's. Good luck and dont let it eat you up so badly.
 

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Hi Sunshine. You don't need someone to advise you - you know what you have to do, and better to do it now rather than wait until later. You know it will get really ugly eventually, and it will be way easier to make your position known now. Frankly, she's so insensitive that it won't hurt her feelings, she'll just be annoyed that she won't be able to glom off you. She's the one who ought to be wondering how to improve her interpersonal skills. You should do what you know in your heart you must do. She's certainly not thinking about you or anyone else. Unbelievable!
JMO.
 

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Originally posted by MalteseJane@Apr 21 2005, 08:55 PM
RUN from that girl

She is not going to change and will take advantage of you even more then she already did.

That's my advise. And NEVER EVER loan her any money if you are not ready to loose it. She will never pay you back. Unfortunately there are many people like her who take advantage of other people.
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I TOTALLY agree.. She is not going to change and you don't want to be in a position that is going to hurt you. Don't beat yourself up over it, she isn't worth making yourself sick. Just be as tactful as possible and say that you really don't think moving in together is a good idea. I totally know how you feel, it's one thing for someone to tell you what you need to do, but doing it is totally different. I'm non-confrontational too, but you just have to look at the potential for disaster in the future and it will be a lot harder to dump her then than it will be to do it now. Good luck!
 

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Sunshine,

I am a mother of a 22 year old so I am going to talk with you like I would her...please don't do this...you are worth so much more than what you will get living with this girl. She is a taker and you are obviously a giver. You need to think of you and treat yourself like you would a friend...you would never allow a friend of yours to be hurt by her so don't allow you to be. You were mortified that she was trying to take advantage of a work buddy so I know that you would watch out for a friend.

And please don't feel badly for taking care of you...there are so many people who will understand what you are doing...believe me you will not have to expose this girl...others are probably already on to her. Explain to her that you will not be able to move in with her...you really do not owe her an explanation but if you want to give one, I would say it is a personal matter that just came up and leave it at that.

I don't know your situation or where you are living now, but if you are still at home this could be your way out...things changed and you must stay...they can change again once you find a new room mate.

What I know is that you are on the right path with your financial future and it is extremely important that you take care of that...it is also more important that you take care of your mental self and living with someone who is such a user will just bring you down. Distance yourself from her as much as you can and don't feel badly about it...you deserve so much better.

And remember there are great people in the world who will not take advantage of you.

Take care of you!!!


S
 

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I tell you what all the other SMer's tell me when I was asking about a roommate. They said...


NO ROOMMATES!


HAHA.
Just trying to make you laugh...

So you havent told her no? Just say that you dont want to live with a roommate now because you really enjoy your privacy. I don't even know her but I can GUARANTEE you, if you live with her she WILL steal from you. Dont' get mixed up with that. Also, I have a feeling she wont treat your baby nice. She seems too all into herself and selfish. YOU REALLY dont want to get into that.

Don't let this situation make you feel bad, girl. She needs to grow up. This isn't your issue. She is probably wanting to live with you because you are non confrontational and she may use you because she knows you're nice.

Don't worry about what she'll say about you to other ppl. I believe her actions would tell more about her than you. And who gives a S*** what ppl think, right?

Just think that she's only trying to leech off you. GOOD LUCK GIRL. Carol Ann is right. You already know what to do. We got your back, girl!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks for your input guys


I haven't directly told her that I don't want to move in. Last weekend I mentioned to her that I wasn't far from having enough to get a house (half a lie - I have a little way to go - but I could have it together by about Christmas and look at buying in the New Year), and I am considering staying where I am until I have enough to get one, and also that my parents weren't particularly keen on me moving again - we had agreed that this move would be the last until I bought a place (I moved 3 times in 18months and had really had enough! So had my parents helping me move! It was kind of a mutual decision, in general conversation we agreed no more
).

I really love the house I'm in, I feel safe in it, I love living on my own... I love that everything is mine and I don't have to worry if I leave something out, or about someone stealing my things etc... I like living this way... loner? perhaps, but I'm comfortable and happy there. The reason I was going to move was because my second job, which runs into the night is in that other town and it would have been more convenient...

... but after I said that on the weekend she turned pretty nasty towards me. I don't think she has back-stabbed me YET, but she is definitely cranky at me. We are both Head Coaches, but I also coach under her in her division because she is short on coaches. It just felt all week like she was trying undermine me - she would have a go at me whatever chance she had and just more or less made me feel useless. I have tried to just ignore it because I thought maybe she was trying to make me feel guilty because she knows I want to say no.


And I definitely worry what she would be like with Abby. I don't know if she'd phsyically hurt her - I don't think she would - but I worry that she'll be nasty attitude wise to her and hurt her feelings. Dogs can sense that. I also think that she'd let her outside to go potty and forget about her... and then she could very easily get hurt or go missing or anything


My mum has seen the house. She doesn't like it at all (I don't much, but I was thinking of the convenience) and doesn't like the area either. I told her about the phone bill the night before last and she is really not happy about that. My parents don't pay anything for me - I've been independent for nearly 3 years, but she still doesn't like people doing that, especially to her babies!


I know it's suckers way out and gutless, but this is my thought on telling her - I want to tell her this weekend because I don't want her to say I gave her no notice. If I tell her this weekend then that is about 6-7 weeks before I was going to move in and she has time to advertise and find another. Anyway, I have to go to another town about 1.5 hours drive from my town this weekend for a course. She wanted to come there with me (but I knew that it'd only be so I could pay for the hotel and she got a night away) but I told her I wanted to spend time alone. I'm actually staying at a friend's house there now anyway. But I thought I could send her a phone message and just say that I'd thought about it and I have personal stuff to sort out and goals that I want to meet etc and I have decided that it's not a good idea for me to move in, and then just say how she has 6-7 weeks and can find someone else.... ???? Is that ok or is that too dodgy?
I know face to face is always better, but I can't do it and besides, I have the excuse that I was out of town... and wanted to tell her asap... plus, she's going to hate me and be nasty behind my back anyway...
 

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She is already nasty to you so what's the difference? You really are too nice.
Tell her it's too inconvenient and that you don't want to move and your parents are really against it and they dont like the neighborhood and New yrs is NOT long away and if you can save up to definitely get a house then, then don't move!

And with your Abby, if she she's you loving on her and giving her attention and being sooooo happy because you have Abby, she'll resent Abby more. Whenever you start to feel bad about saying anything to her or she gives you the guilt trip, just think about all the things she can do to Abby!

Oh yeah, and WHEN she asks you if she can stay with you at your house when you buy one, tell her NO! :D
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Originally posted by ButterCloudandNoriko@Apr 21 2005, 10:30 PM
She is already nasty to you so what's the difference?  You really are too nice.
  Tell her it's too inconvenient and that you don't want to move and your parents are really against it and they dont like the neighborhood and New yrs is NOT long away and if you can save up to definitely get a house then, then don't move!   

And with your Abby, if she she's you loving on her and giving her attention and being sooooo happy because you have Abby, she'll resent Abby more.  Whenever you start to feel bad about saying anything to her or she gives you the guilt trip, just think about all the things she can do to Abby! 

Oh yeah, and WHEN she asks you if she can stay with you at your house when you buy one, tell her NO!  :D
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HA HA It will be a definite no!
 

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Sunshine, I'm sorry she's been doing all these horrible things to you. If the phone call is easier for you, then go for it. I hate to think about all the stress you've been under thinking about this whole situation, so I guess the sooner the better, just for your own peace of mind. I'm such a loner, and I totally understand all of your concerns, especially Abbey's safety. I know it's easy for me to say because I'm not involved, but if she's already acting weird towards you, just let her know that you are having second thoughts about moving. It's got to be hard since you have to spend time with her while coaching, but you shouldn't have to live with someone who is so willing to use you...I'd hate to hear the list of excuses why she couldn't make rent, or why she forgot to let Abby out...You deserve better than that!!
 

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I have no right to judge a perfect stranger that i've never even met but...

... I got the impression that she's really unstable.
I mean, it's just not socially correct for her to ask your coworkers for money... or spend an hour and a half on a long distance phone call in your home, without your permission (and without even telling you later!!)


Lord only knows what she might try to do if she were left alone with Abby. "What? I didn't know chocolate was bad for dogs? She doesn't look sick to me." "Oops... I left the door open, and she accidentally got out. No, I don't know where she went. Don't worry, I'm sure she'll turn up."

You're obviously a responsible, intelligent woman. You know what to do.
 

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I am going to tell you what everyone else has already said.

<span style="font-family:Times">RUN</span>

Trust me it is not worth it. I have had MANY roommates through college and for a year after school... DON'T DO IT! Especially because you are living alone now and you are comfortable. It's a whole different ball game when you have people moving "your stuff"...

Good luck.
If I were you I would blame it on me (I actually did this). I just said that it was me, and I wouldn't want to live with me. I'm crazy!
haha it worked!
 

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Run.....but a little white lie could be called for at this time since you work with this girl. Use your parents, or an unexpected bill, or SOMETHING as an excuse. But then be very careful that you don't talk about her or the situation to other friends or it'll surely get back to her.
 

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You are very responsible for the age of 22 and you know what you want.
Your friend is no where close to you in anyway. It's a shame your good manners ,responsiblility has not rub of on your friend. I think your friend my have some type of issue...she seem like she on the bad track of the road and has not relized she needs help now. Unfortunely you need to look out for you right now. Do not in anyway move in with her. You have been given these signs for a reason. Do not lend her any money.
Pull back from her and watch your back at work. Your friend is heading for distruction and there is nothing at this point you can do to help her. She has to figure that one out for herself. Emotional support is all you can offer ,but at this point i don't think she is looking for that. Be thankfull this a friend and not a close family member. I have the same issue right now and it is not looking good for that person. continue with your goals and don't let anyone get in the way of you achieving them. I can tell you have a big heart do not let your friend use you. I alway say they are not using you , you are letting them use you. You can put a stop to it , it is your choice. If you do not feel comfortable with something go with your gut feeling. It will always point you in the right direction.

I think you already know what you need to do but just wanted comfirmation, because you are still worried about your friend. There is nothing wrong with that.
 

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If she isn't a close friend it really doesn't matter what she thinks. You are giving her plenty of notice. It is hard enough to live w/ the man you love when you get married. If you are this worried now it will be 1000 times worse actually living with her.
 

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I am going to agree with what everyone else has said before me. You know what you need to do, and you seem like a very responsible young woman. Do you really owe her a detailed explanation other than saying "my plans have changed?" I say don't give her any fuel for a future fire. Too many details will only be turned on you in the future. Keep it simple, sweet and short.
 

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I would simply tell her you have changed your mind, 6-7 weeks notice is quite enough. I wouldn't lie to her, you never know what may come back to you. If she causes problems at work there are always those above her you can confide in to take the heat off you. It is very unprofessional to cause problems at work and if it harms their business she may just be let go if she causes to much trouble. Her actions seem to be those of a very immature young woman, one who is thinking of today and has no goals for the future (other than having you pay for everything). This type of "friend" is one you do not need.....my best to you.
 
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